Dreaming of Mama

I had a dream in the early morning of my mom. In my dream, my neighbor, an old woman, passed away. And I turned and saw my mother standing there, as if waiting for me in our old apartment in NYC. She was young. Around 45 or so and beautiful. I was the age I am now and I went to her and put my arms around her, holding her tight and began to cry. I cried and cried and cried and said I don’t want you to die. Like I was a little girl. But I wasn’t. And she placed her arms around me and rubbed my back and said it will be alright. But I could not stop crying. Pouring out of me like I had held it in for the last 6 years. Crying for a lifetime of her that I no longer have. And when I woke, my eyes were wet because it transcended my sleep. Because I miss her. Because I didn’t know how much till the morning.

I’m sure it was also because I was saying goodbye to my daughter as she started a new year of college. Or maybe I just missed my mom who I lost 6 years ago or maybe it’s both and grieving is hard and long term and never ending. Because when you love someone with all your heart - even when it wasn’t perfect - the loss is always with you. It’s the price of love. And to feel so deeply I see as a privilege and an honor. So I’ll take that dream and hope that was my mothers way of visiting me and letting me know she’s there with me. Her beautiful essence like a perfume. I still feel her today and hope I can hold on to it a little longer.

Till her next visit. I miss you mama but you are a part of me as I am you. That’s what love is.